Familiarity breeds contempt

I read a story, some time ago, about a camel. It said that, the first man who saw a camel, was frightened of the creature's large size and ran away. The second man, on hearing the story of the first man, observed the camel from a distance. The third man, on hearing the incredible account of the second man, ventured further and fed the camel some tufts of grass off the palm of his hand. The fourth man, on hearing the recounting of the experience of the third man, went even further by putting a saddle on the camel and riding it across the desert. The moral of the story was that "Familiarity breeds contempt." The more man got to know about the camel the less incredulous it became.

What this idiom essentially means is that, the more acquainted an individual becomes with an entity, the less s/he will tend to respect and like it. This is true of many things such as relationships, material possessions and jobs. The basis of this idiom is that, with time, as people become acquainted with something they tend to perceive dissimilarities/dissatisfaction in it. As with all habits, routine activities rely heavily on the subconscious and are taken for granted; hence the contempt displayed to monotonous activities. 

When looking for a prospective girl/boyfriend, we take superficial glances at our prospects, looking for attributes that meet our expectations or match to our own personal attributes. The window of time for this judgment to be made is relatively short, when one compares it to the time spent in a relationship. Once a relationship is underway, the more time a partner spends with the other, will provide him/her the luxury of time and the opportunity to observe his/her partner in a more objective manner. Evidently, this will result in the inadvertent observation of a few dissimilarities of traits or shortcomings in expectations. Once this disjoint is witnessed, many relationships head south. Some of the lucky ones who don't have their relationship meeting its end, witness their partner taking them for granted, find that the amount of effort and affection put forward by their partner steadily wane and observe the lackluster of what was once a passionate and fueled intimacy.

The same effect can be observed in people, in general. At my workplace for example, I have had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with a girl, who at first glance seems very forthcoming, friendly, trustworthy and extremely intelligent. However in hindsight, it could be understood that she possesses not one of these traits. What appears to be appealing loses its appeal with time. Time tames everything. As we become acclimatized to certain things, they become commonplace. 

The day I got my first smart phone, I was psyched. One the first day I made sure, that whenever I kept it down on the desk I kept it face down, with the protective cover facing the table surface. A few weeks later, I wasn't paying attention to keeping the phone face down. A month later, I would be throwing my phone on my workstation, as soon as I got to work. We value things more when they are new. This initially perceived value depreciates over time.

In Sri Lanka, there is this little quip used by teenagers when checking out girls on the sidewalks called "Durata apple, langata papol"; translated to  "What looks like apple from afar, looks like papaya from near". The closer the person you hope to ogle comes to you, the more privy you are to his/her faults.

This idiom's veracity can be witnessed in day to day economics. The scarcer a product is in the market place, the higher the value/price and demand for it. People are willing to pay more for a product that has little to no substitutes. By this logic, the more abundant a product becomes in a market, the less demand it draws and hence its value drops. 

The old adage "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is actually a derivative of this idiom. What absence does is reduce familiarity, which in turn decreases the amount of contempt one shows for the article that is absent. 

The reason why I chose to write on this topic is because, quite recently, I had a firsthand experience that served as a testament to the accuracy of this little proverb. Though I cannot spell out the details of the incident (as the people in question might read the blog :) ) I can however, post the important lessons that I learned from said experience. You see, the nicer you are to your friends, the more liberties they will take when it comes to you, the more personal boundaries they will cross and more things they will take for granted. The more one settles into a group, the lesser the group's perception of the individual's value to the group, becomes. As time passes and people in a group begin to know one another, they will assume that it is ok to take something without asking for permission, say something and be sure that the person will not be offended or even assume the privilege of taking another person's decisions.

After a bit of quiet reflection, you would realize, these were not the friends you had at the start of your semester/employment. They have all changed. They are your good buddies. They are better friends. They have become better friends at the expense of some of your personal boundaries. This is almost impossible to avoid in any loving relationship.

In order to ensure that, people do not assume liberties, while still allowing one to mingle with the crowd, all what one needs to do is,

1.     Maintain safe distance - Ensure that a safe, professional distance is maintained amongst colleagues when fraternizing with them. This is being friendly to your fellows but also clearly articulating one's displeasure when a boundary is crossed. Formalities and bureaucracies should be met despite the strength of your relationship with the individual. All conversations though personal should remain polite.

2.     Abstain from targeting/relating - Whenever one socializes, it is inevitable that there will be jokes and opinions thrown around. The more negative comments/targeted jokes a person hears from an individual, the greater the propensity for him/her to assume liberties around you. It is best to keep one's negative opinions to oneself and refrain from joking about individual people.

I've observed these two behaviors in my mentor at work. Being the Head of HR for our company in Sri Lanka, it is required of him to be liked by his peers and subordinates. Everyone loves him but at the same time, no one dares to assume any liberties with him. This is because, eventhough he is very forthcoming, humble and honest in all transactions he maintains his safe professional distance from everyone. It is like a little bubble of professionalism that encapsulates him and protects him from his external environment whilst allowing him to interact with it satisfactorily. I've also observed that all his jokes are never aimed at a single individual. They are always generic and always intended at making everyone in the group laugh.  

By following these simple two steps one is able to improve familiarity without incurring the contempt of one's friends. Nevertheless the disclaimer still remains that the best friendships have been formed on years of familiarization and eons of contempt shown for one another.